Looking Up For Hope

Going through my video footage looking for a particular clip, I came across 22 seconds of me not saying anything — but expressing in those few moments everything I feel every day: my usual good natured cheerfulness, worry, peaceful pondering waiting for solutions to come to me, conscious decision to be positive, restored optimism, loss of hope, numbness …

I found myself making it into a sofa movie and it seemed to make itself. I had no idea I would compose such a serious piece, but it was very therapeutic. It was good to spend the time with those feelings.

My brother Bart was my Irish twin and the love of my life. He was a remarkable man and we spent every minute together that we could considering he was all over the world as an F 15 Fighter Pilot in the Air Force. The last year of his life he was forced to be the personal aid to a General who was later court-martialed for corrupt arms trading. He went down in the Gulf of Mexico in 1989 his first flight back from that assignment that made him the most unhappy he had ever been. (It took me years to rally the courage to watch the movie “Lord of War” but now I understand his pain.) He was a man of God and utmost integrity plucked from a happy career by an evil man forced to witness the unspeakable. Why do you suppose his jet just happened to crash at 9 am that perfect sunny morning over glass still waters 40 miles South of Florida’s panhandle?

I still can’t imagine living in a world without him. But here I still am.

 

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3 responses »

  1. Very nice and sad Jenifer, I’m so glad you are still here and I am sure his is too. I am so proud to have met and spent time with your extraordinary brother, he cared for his counrty and you.

  2. I cannot believe how much time has past and that still feels like blink away. My thoughts are always the same I was proud to have met Bart and I know how much you loved one another.Bart was such a special man,Soldier,and Brother. I’m glad I was able to get there that night to be with you and Juan while we waited for the news. Just know how how much he loved you and how loved you are now.Always,Wayne

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