Programming, Purpose, Projection and BIG DREAMS

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All any of us has is our own way of perceiving the world. There are as many paradigms as there are people. Most people don’t give credit where credit is due as to why they have the particular frame-of-reference they have. People think they are doing their own thinking when the truth is: they have been programmed their entire lives to hold arbitrary and indefensible basic beliefs that conflict with their deep inner knowing. Almost without exception, the first thing we were programmed to ignore was our innate sense of truth.

For example: you are a young child in your room late at night and are awakened by shouting. You know something is wrong. You get out of your bed and stumble sleepily out to the living room where your parents are obviously angry and arguing. Then they see you. In the sudden silence you say “Mommy, Daddy, what’s wrong?”

They both automatically snap “nothing … go back to bed.” So you go back to bed bewildered trying to reconcile this new information that your natural perceptions are wrong. Thus begins your life-long cognitive dissonance between what you are told is how things are instead of what you intuit. In other words, you are taught from even before sentience not to trust your feelings, intuition and judgement. Strike ONE to your self-esteem and safety. You are helpless and need to be guided through the minefield of a dangerous world where nothing is as it seems.

You have been programed your entire life by your parents (who were programed by theirs) by your school, your church, current societal norms, television, the news, advertising and so on. How long were you allowed in your early life to do your own thinking? Do you remember a time when your true perception of anything was affirmed by anyone? Or have you been indoctrinated from before memory by unconscious people, organizations and pervasive business entities with massive bottom-line agendas, the government and (enigmatically, she writes) BEYOND? The ways to subliminally program you have increased exponentially since you were a child. You are indeed at risk in a world where nothing is as it seems.

I remember the moment it occurred to me to begin to think for myself. It was after everyone I loved and whose approval I sought in my family died in my early thirties in quick succession. The devastation is not describable to anyone who has not experienced it. It’s like trying to explain the color blue to someone who has been blind from birth. But there are those of you who do know how that feels, and you know what the people around you can’t understand: there is no time-limit on grief. But there is a time-limit on how long you are permitted to appear to grieve.

I didn’t bounce back fast enough to suit some people. I tried to appear to be fine on the surface, but the tragic losses of the most important people in my life was something I had to deeply process and I had to withdraw to do that. I was reeling from how drastically my life had changed in such a short amount of time and was trying to see a way to move forward with the future I was planning before everyone died. Then came that moment … that forever life-changing epiphany: everyone whose approval I had spent my entire life trying to gain (with limited success) was gone.

Were my plans to get a Master’s Degree what I wanted or what they expected? Was the future I was unconsciously walking into the future I chose for myself? Or was it a future I imagined would please these people whose love and acceptance I craved so much. Was it a future of living inauthentically, even to the point of being incapable of having the awareness of what my dreams and purpose might be if the pressure of family and societal expectations were ever lifted from me?

Well … they were lifted from me. Pow! I was right smack-dab in the middle of tabla rasa!  It was a drastic way to arrive at that blessed moment and I don’t recommend it, but that’s what it took to get me there.

Why am I telling this story on this baffling website? I am telling it to help … probably only a handful of people who feel oddly drawn in to unravel the mystery of why such a peculiar website exists and who this bizarre woman Jenifer Humming is … from a place of self-trust. I am explaining this to the very people who don’t need the explanation because they already think for themselves.

One more little story before I get to the punchline:

The TV was on in my kitchen many years ago when I still had TVs in my house that worked. I was just listening to it while I was preparing some food. A news program was on featuring a prominent and popular Television evangelist with a ridiculously huge church/congregation in Texas who I had heard about, but had never seen him or heard him preach.

My career was in transition at that time from owning and running an intense cleansing health retreat to self-manufacturing and marketing my new medical device invention. In both of these endeavors, I had a lot of intense interaction with people.

The next thing I am about to say is INFORMATION, not braggadocio and is integral to this story and this entire post:

The most common feedback I got from my health retreat clients and from my medical device customers were these exact words: “You’ve saved my life.

I heard on the television program the interviewer ask the evangelist what it felt like for so many people to tell him: “You’ve saved my life.

I STOPPED what I was doing, turned toward the TV and said aloud my immediate thought before he had time to respond. I said: “If he says ‘humbled‘ then I will believe he is for real.”

He became teary. I became teary. He barely got the word out … “Humbled.”

So again, why have I written this blog post?

I have received feedback recently from an initial in-person encounter with several people and from a couple of acquaintances appraising this website — that I come across as an ego-maniac with a superior attitude.

Tell me something I haven’t heard before. Please.

AND — One long-time friend I love and respect even told me after reading the beginning of an autobiographical account I wrote a decade ago for my health retreat website of my journey of cleansing and awakening to my Purpose, that it was all “I … I … I.”

Fact: when your health retreat is located in Birmingham, Alabama instead of Costa Rica, you have to give people a reason to choose your retreat over one in Portugal or Thailand. Aside from the fact my retreat was one of the most intense comprehensive programs available, the only other marketing tool I had was ME: my life-changing experience; my story; my congruency. In short … my RESULTS. Anyway, is it possible to write autobiographical stories without using the word “I” a few times?

This reaction to me came from people I felt only love and acceptance for and for whom no critical thoughts even crossed my mind. There is nothing in my paradigm that finds fault or automatically takes our differences personally. Prior to receiving this feedback, if I were inclined to evaluate them based on their parameters, I could find fault with them and judge them similarly. But for some reason, (I know what the reason is, by the way) I am not wired to judge, project and find fault. Nor do I write what I write, say what I say, do what I do, dream what I dream and hope what I hope from a place of ego. It’s not possible. My Purpose as described on this site came to me all at once and I have willingly contributed my free-will to whatever it takes to be the implementor of this vast and improbable vision. I didn’t know what I let myself in for, but anyone who has experienced this will understand: ego is the first thing to go when true LIFE PURPOSE arrives.

I do, however, push back when I am pushed, do not shield people from natural consequences and often speak in a direct way that people in these parts call “Northern.” But that’s another Tolstoy novel.

Therefore, even in the face of decades of being judged, I know WHO I am and HOW I am and how I am perceived. I am self-disclosed and self-referred. I won’t hide and I won’t apologize for being myself from start to finish. I wrote many years ago I decided to nevermore fold up my wings and hide who I am to make other people feel comfortable, pander to their egos and investment in maintaining the status quo of their past conditioning. I realized that was not going to be the easy way to gain people’s approval and support, but it would certainly sort out quickly whether I would even want their approval and support.

To be blunt: anyone who sees ego in me is projecting their own onto me. If you read the previous statement and think it comes from denial and a need to be right, you are projecting your denial and need to be right. It’s what people do. I’m not angry about it. I’m used to it, but I can’t get anywhere until more people learn to automatically make positive assumptions rather than negative assumptions … or no assumptions at all. Google The Four Agreements.

No matter what you think you see, things are seldom as they seem and you cannot draw conclusions until you know the whole backstory, and even then why pronounce judgement? Why not have compassion instead?

If you decide to even care to wonder how I truly regard myself instead of making assumptions based on a shallow glance at me and my approach to sharing my vision and my life-experiences, here is is: I feel humble and humbled. I am a servant. What leader is not? Read several of my earlier writings posted in November 2010 if you want more clarification on why I write the way I do and where I stand on the subject of self-perception and arrogance.

Let’s make a deal. I won’t judge you … in fact, I will love, admire and support you. I will make positive assumptions about you. I will be kind to you and help you any way I can. If you join me with an open heart and a serious commitment to persevere, I will facilitate you to reach every goal you have now and every goal you can’t even imagine now that you could have. I might not always seem sweet and sometimes my love may be tough, but you will always know where you stand with me. I will be honest and consistent. That is what is inside of me for you. That’s how I think. I have no agenda but the Will of Heaven. Either you recognize me or you don’t.

This website reveals just a sliver of who I am. It is a cursory overview of what I want to accomplish and am capable of accomplishing along-side of many other people who share my vision. I am awaiting the arrival of the people I know must exist (because I exist) who are authentic enough to communicate through understanding rather than to alienate with assumptions. I am here to help people and to help the planet. I am here to help people who are here to help people and to help the planet. My dreams are not small dreams. People are out there who also do not operate from ego and can perceive other people with loving understanding because they love and understand themselves. Those people, who I don’t yet even know (in this life), are more my family than my family. Together, we can do anything.

This website is just how I want it to be but you won’t “get it” unless you read all of it, watch the videos and presentations and assume the best. It’s not an elevator ride, so chances are, you will be on to the next website, and the next and the next. It’s a Brave New World and there’s plenty of information out there to distract us.

But there are those of you who are ready for SOMETHING in this crazy world to come into focus and make everything make sense. You don’t need more propaganda. It’s for you I want to be a real person behind a ridiculously big vision. I want to be accessible. I want to be serious, funny, even make fun of myself (have you noticed? Do you appreciate nuance?) I want people to know how I came to know what my PURPOSE is and how much I have worked, how much I have spent and how much I am ready, willing and able to do to make it a reality. I want to be a voice people can find who are in search of their grand purpose … or already know what it is and are searching for collaborators. I want to exemplify what I stand for. I speak up when I do. I am quiet when I fall short. There is no one out there who is capable of being harder on me than I am on myself. But there is also no one who loves and understands me better than I do myself.

Maybe you are an anomalous dreamer too who could also make a big difference in this world if you were given the chance.

Here’s to BIG DREAMS coming true!

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2 responses »

  1. Jeni, As always, I am in awe, you inspire me, the heavens are with you and your big dreams do come true. I have seen it several times. You are wonderful, the angels and the universe love you and I love you. You are one of a kind and I have been a different person since meeting you over 5 years ago. Your medical device has helped me in so many ways. I pray many more people read this inspiring account of your journey’s. I have seen you up and I have seen you not as up but you have hung in there because you know you have more friends like me that believe in you and what you stand for. How awesome to be able to go on such a journey.
    Robin Ingram

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