Addiction To Failure

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Written in September 2002 during a solitary 21 day fast at my beach house in Annapolis.

I am taking a break from, among a number of things … disappointment. I have to figure out and change whatever it is about me that sets me up for this in my life over and over. Until then, the only control I have over whether disappointment beats me down completely is to remove myself from the people and situations that seem to be the cause — and take measures to regain my perspective. Maybe one of the reasons I seem to be so strong is that I do this from time to time. I see it as an absolute necessity to take the time to myself to remember who I am and what I want, and what is reasonable to expect.

I feel really good right now. I feel energetic and positive and an absolute knowing that I have exciting days ahead — a life of building an empire, as it were, of bringing real answers and real prosperity to myself and many other people. I am at a stepping-off point and this is a crucial time for me. And yes, it’s all about me right now. I has to be that way. I’ve spent my whole life making it about someone else, everyone else. I never felt like I was a worthy recipient of the fruits of my own labor. I gave it all away, always doing whatever I was doing for ego reasons … to somehow gain someone’s approval or love, or to prove something. I lived to facilitate the success of others because I never believed I was meant to succeed. Having an ego does not equal having self-esteem. It undermines it. Never-the-less, I have always known I had something in me that was powerful and amazing but it scared me. Failure was where my parents came from and failure was what I was raised on — it has always felt familiar to me. I have always been too afraid to step out to a place where success and personal power was possible.

I feel in some ways I have put this time of my life off. Success, prosperity, and peace have been trying to come to me for years and I have been blocking it with my fear, and by engaging in the usual failure ensuring endeavors. The time of procrastination has come to a resounding end with the acute events of this year. I, fortunately, have backed myself into a corner (in most cases, people are so hardheaded, that’s what it takes) and I’m about to come out swinging. I no longer have a shred of failure left in me. I don’t have that luxury and I won’t indulge my childish ego-driven fears and weaknesses any longer. I believe that there exists only love and fear, and that really, fear is not real. So that leaves only love. Knowing that (really knowing it) makes you brave. “Nothing real can be threatened, nothing unreal exists. Therein lies the Peace of God.” The Course in Miracles.

I can honestly say none of this is about ego for me anymore. Obviously my ego has never been ambitious. That has been the trick that has kept me down and settling all these years. No, something else has kicked in. It is an inner knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is my soul’s purpose to build something that will bring to myself and many people peace, health, enlightenment, and a means by which for many people to gain prosperity through doing something beneficial and meaningful to them. It is a rare thing for people to have jobs they love and that really make a difference in their lives and others. With me, they will. I just need to find the right people and this is a main focus for me now. Moving forward hinges on it. So I must do what it takes to draw people who meet my standards and then some, so disappointment will no longer be an issue.

I know from my own experience that trying hard gets you nowhere. Something else has to be there. Perhaps being definite about what you want and then making smart choices with sound judgment … in addition to hard work, would bring desired results. That’s the strategy I am preparing to use. It’s called having a plan and taking action. This is a new concept for me … who’s approach has been “I want everything to evolve organically and draw people to me energetically.” It’s time to try something different.

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